As I enter a new year, I can't help but look back at how quickly 2010 went by. Everything that happened still feels fresh in my minds eye. I confess that if I could go back in time there are plenty things I would have done differently. For instance, I would have made sure me and my husband made financial decisions jointly. I have had to learn the hard way the results of letting one person take decisions on behalf of two people. If I had put my foot down, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in right now. Cliché as it sounds, at the end of the day, two heads ARE better than one.
Secondly, I wouldn't have taken my fertility 'too personally'. Meaning I shouldn't have believed I had 100% control over my body and if I did X it would always result in Y. If I had known that no matter how much you do, at the end of the day some things are just beyond your control, I wouldn't have been so heart broken when I found my tubes were blocked.
I also wish I hadn't been so baby focused. One of my goals last year was to have a baby 'by the end of the year', as if it's a vending machine where you slot in a coin and whatever you want comes out the other end. This year, if I do, I will be over the moon, but if I don't, I won't beat myself up over it. I can't believe I crossed the line into 'bitter zone'. I promised myself I would never let my emotions get the better of me, yet I did. Sure at that time it seemed justified. To an extent it just shows how unappreciative I was about my life.
To put things in perspective, I've had 24 years of a relatively trouble free life, and barely 4 years of infertility and I'm already breaking my neck as if the world had done me wrong. It's not even as if I was ill of health to the point where I couldn't move. This is just a little bump in my life, a phase I'm passing through. Sure there will be disappointments but I shouldn't let it get the better of me. I should never have forgotten the many, MANY, MANY years of generally 'getting whatever I asked for'.
There are so many people out there who can't have children and who are happy with their lot. As a Muslim I should know better. These things are in Gods hands. He decrees what He Wills, and we may never understand why, but, we must always be grateful for what we're blessed with and strive to better our lives and those around us. There are women who have been told they could never have children on their own, and they did. There have been women who didn't even have fallopian tubes, or whose tubes were tied, smashed and what not, and they still conceived. Whatever has been written for a person, shall surely come to pass, regardless.
Sometimes when I dwell on my childlessness, at the back of my mind, I think, 'There has to be a reason, though I don't understand. Maybe I'm not just ready and God knows'. I also remember a supplication I made years ago; I made it fervently with tears in my eyes. I told God that if I was ever going to have a child that would cause me grief and heartache and misery in this world and in the Hereafter, then I'd rather not have that child. I keep thinking maybe my prayer was answered, maybe, just maybe, I would have had that child at some point during my childless years and God is preventing a greater hurt by making me go through this 'smaller hurt'.
Sheesh! I am religious, but clearly not as religious as I ought to be. So this year 'I SURRENDER MY FERTILITY TO MY CREATOR'. My destiny is in His hands. I promise myself not to moan about this and that and about how other people are dropping kids as easily as I fart after a hearty breakfast of Muesli.
No concrete resolutions this year. Instead I'll give my mindset a good tweaking with the following promises:
I promise not to get worked up about my have-nots and instead be grateful for everything else that I'm blessed with.
I promise to always remember that no matter how bad I think my situation is there are many others worse off than I am, even praying they had my burden to bear instead of the one they're carrying.
Remember that even when there seemingly is no way out, When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
I promise to live my life to the fullest: grow my business and be the best that I can be.
I promise to always do my best and leave the rest to God and be happy with whatever He decrees. He knows me better than I know myself.
One of my friends had a baby boy on Christmas day. Another three are due within the next 2-3 months. I can't be happier for them! Right now, I'm content with being an Aunt.
And with that, I conclude this retrospective, highly self-indulgent blog entry with HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May your prayers be answered and may we all be blessed in our lives, one way or another. (Amen).