Friday, 3 December 2010


Lately I've been in funky mood. Dh and I are still stuck in a financial rot and trying to claw our way out. He has been ill of health which hasn't helped our situation. When you're facing the prospect of being homeless, TTC doesn't really take the forefront of your goals, hence I haven't been blogging much. Ever since the blocked tubes diagnoses, I thought I could be strong about it. Despite all my high falutin gusto I'm still shattered inside.

I told my mum, and another friend who is heavily pregnant (didn't get any sympathy there though). I also shared it with another friend who has PCOS and has been TTC #2 for almost ten years. She was so sympathetic she actually cried for me. Then I felt bad for telling her and when she suggested we meet up I wriggled my way out of it.

What's wrong with me?

The truth is I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I actually regret telling her, even though I was feeling really shitty when I did and REALLY needed to get some load off my chest. I don't want to be seen as the poor woman with the blocked tubes. I know, I'm crazy... I should be happy to have as shoulder to cry on, but like I said, I'm still shattered. The last thing I want to do now is have cause to relive that day or have someone give me false hopes. With the place I am in right now, nothing can be said to make me feel better. I need to find my own peace. Just the thought of it is making me angry.

I'm sick and tired of taking supplements and herbs, not just because I can't afford them any more but because I'm just plain sick of 'em. I'm sick and tired of watching what I eat all the time. In fact I started eating cookies a couple of days ago. I just don't care any more. Month after month of disappointment since February 2007, it will be 4 years in two months. I'm just too tired to give a fuck. Because, hey, even though my PCOS is under control, I still can't get pregnant, ha ha ha!

I was flicking through the channels on Sky and I saw that bloody MTV show '16 and Pregnant' and I clicked on it. Dh said that he just knew I would settle on that channel. I don't know why I watch that show. I can only think that I'm punishing myself. Because all those foolish girls do is open their legs a couple of times and BAM! they're pregnant and moaning about how they weren't expecting to be pregnant. I get so annoyed when people say 'oh we weren't expecting it' or 'it was a surprise' or 'it was unplanned'. I mean really? As long as you're having unprotected sex how dare you say you were NEVER expecting to be pregnant. Fuck off!!!!

Yes, I'm angry, and bitter. Let me be!!!

I'm just going to focus on finding a good job now. Hopefully that should give me other things to do.


  1. Oh Nan, just when I think no one understands what I'm going through you always seem to be right inside my mind. Got an eviction notice the other day and I'm looking for work and struggling through school. I got my first period since the failed IVF and refused to take Midol just because I wanted the negative to feel more real because for split seconds I forget , sick huh? My husband has told me im not allowed to watch MTV or tlc because of all the baby shows which I get stuck watching. I blew up at my friends on facebook because they keep posting ultrasound pictures, and they know very well what I'm going through. And to top it all off my mother inlaw keeps saying it will happen natural and I just wanna scream. I may have never met you but sometimes I feel closer to you then anyone else. Hope things start looking up.

  2. I hope so too Pumpkin, this is just a rough patch we're both going through. We'll emerge from it stronger and better people for it. I'm sure we will also look back at this period of hardship and disappointment someday when we're holding our baby, and be thankful for the experience. As rotten as life gets, there's always something to be thankful for, like I'm glad our paths crossed. Everything happens for a reason, :)

    I don't blame you for going off on your friends. We carry A LOT inside. Better to put it out there. It's really hard for us, the emotional turmoil is unbelievable. One would need to walk in our shoes to know how it feels.
    TTC is a very lonely journey to be on, full of dead ends and disappointments and the only other person (or people) that can understand are those that are in the same boat.

    There's nothing like a good vent to clear the emotional pipes. Honestly screw dumb shows and insensitive friends. When I got married I didn't rub my unmarried friends noses with my marital bliss by bombarding them with pictures on fb. I just don't get why people put their stupid ultrasound pictures on facebook. Pregnancy should be something beautiful you share with your partner not the whole freaking world!