Lately I've been in funky mood. Dh and I are still stuck in a financial rot and trying to claw our way out. He has been ill of health which hasn't helped our situation. When you're facing the prospect of being homeless, TTC doesn't really take the forefront of your goals, hence I haven't been blogging much. Ever since the blocked tubes diagnoses, I thought I could be strong about it. Despite all my high falutin gusto I'm still shattered inside.
I told my mum, and another friend who is heavily pregnant (didn't get any sympathy there though). I also shared it with another friend who has PCOS and has been TTC #2 for almost ten years. She was so sympathetic she actually cried for me. Then I felt bad for telling her and when she suggested we meet up I wriggled my way out of it.
What's wrong with me?
The truth is I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I actually regret telling her, even though I was feeling really shitty when I did and REALLY needed to get some load off my chest. I don't want to be seen as the poor woman with the blocked tubes. I know, I'm crazy... I should be happy to have as shoulder to cry on, but like I said, I'm still shattered. The last thing I want to do now is have cause to relive that day or have someone give me false hopes. With the place I am in right now, nothing can be said to make me feel better. I need to find my own peace. Just the thought of it is making me angry.
I'm sick and tired of taking supplements and herbs, not just because I can't afford them any more but because I'm just plain sick of 'em. I'm sick and tired of watching what I eat all the time. In fact I started eating cookies a couple of days ago. I just don't care any more. Month after month of disappointment since February 2007, it will be 4 years in two months. I'm just too tired to give a fuck. Because, hey, even though my PCOS is under control, I still can't get pregnant, ha ha ha!
I was flicking through the channels on Sky and I saw that bloody MTV show '16 and Pregnant' and I clicked on it. Dh said that he just knew I would settle on that channel. I don't know why I watch that show. I can only think that I'm punishing myself. Because all those foolish girls do is open their legs a couple of times and BAM! they're pregnant and moaning about how they weren't expecting to be pregnant. I get so annoyed when people say 'oh we weren't expecting it' or 'it was a surprise' or 'it was unplanned'. I mean really? As long as you're having unprotected sex how dare you say you were NEVER expecting to be pregnant. Fuck off!!!!
Yes, I'm angry, and bitter. Let me be!!!
I'm just going to focus on finding a good job now. Hopefully that should give me other things to do.