HSG Disappointment

I had my HSG done - it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life!

I should have known right from the beginning when the nurse stood beside me and told me to relax and breathe. She gave me that look... you know, the look you'd give a dog that was about to be put down. She might as well have said, 'It will sting like hell, so brace your self, fool.'

It started out like a typical pap smear. Except I was glad I didn't have to put my feet up on those 'women shaming' stirrups. When the dye was being pumped in that's when the shit hit the ceiling. The radiologist and the doctor had to stand back because the X-ray machine was on, so it was just me lying there screaming like they'd just shoved hot coal up my vag while there were looking on from a distance telling me to breathe and it will all be over in a minute.

Mehn! What pain... I'm still cringing from it... fuckety fuck!

It only lasted for about 30 seconds. But the intensity doubled every second as my womb filled up with the die. And when I couldn't take the pain any more, just when I thought I might get up and run out of there it suddenly stopped. It was over, no more pain and no cramping after that only some mild bleeding and the rest of the dye leeching through. I was completely fine, I might as well have had to run a marathon afterwards and it would have been fine by me.

I can tell you for me, personally, it was absolutely nothing like a period cramp! I'd take ten period cramps any day over a HSG.

The doctor was very vague about the results. I think he was just being diplomatic, lest I decide to jump in the path of an oncoming train because he declared my tubes were blocked. I guess he didn't want blood on his hands. He said it looked like the dye didn't go through completely, but that he really can't say much and he would prefer if I discussed the results with my specialist who will give me more detailed explanation of what just went down.

I've been depressed because I was hoping I was wrong even though I'd been suspecting that they may be blocked. Speaking with my mum really helped, and Pumpkin, thanks dear, it was nice coming home that day and reading your comment and venting, :) It was so shitty coming to a cold empty house with no Dh to comfort me. I'm sick of his work that requires him to travel all the time... another thing I pray changes this coming year.

I just know I will hold my baby in my arms someday. This is just another obstacle I have to scale. If I can beat PCOS and start ovulating on my own, surely I can beat this too!

HSG Appointment

My HSG is in about 17 hours. I'm not sure how to prepare. Aside from taking pain killers an hour or so before the procedure, maybe I should give the 'ol hedge a trim, hehehe...

Have you ever looked forward to something not because you are going to enjoy it but because you dread it and perceive it as a necessary evil that may help you get from Point A to Point B? Well, that's exactly how I feel right now.

I thought about driving but I probably shouldn't. I'm not sure how I'll feel afterwards and if I'll be able to drive back home so I'll just take the bus. Thankfully the hospital is about 10 minutes away and the bus stops are just a few yards from my house and the hospital both ways. No long trek for me. If I really can't walk, I'll just call a cab. Unfortunately Dh is away again *sigh*

I'm PRAYING it is good news, I know I've ranted about how I suspect both or one of my tubes may be blocked. At the same time I'm hoping deep down that they're not.

Hopefully I'll have the strength to update afterwards.

Eeks!

How To Handle A Dry Spell When Dealing With PCOS.

Source: http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/news118.html#sec3

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It happens to all of us. We hit a dry spell.

A dry spell is a period of time when progress comes to a grinding halt. If you're trying to lose weight, you hit a plateau or even gain a few pounds. If you're looking for a job, nobody is responding to your resume.

You exercised for a week and then all of a sudden you realize you haven't exercised in two weeks. Or you were eating whole foods and fresh vegetables a while back but now finding yourself nibbling on brownies or having pizza for dinner.

(We all know how challenging it is gain control over PCOS and to reclaim our good health.)

You know when you've hit a dry spell.

It's a time when you're likely to feel frustrated and discouraged. You may compensate for these feelings by "trying harder" (and failing), or just giving up.

This is also the time when self-doubt rears its ugly head. Maybe you begin to question yourself and your goals. Your Inner Critic begins to tell you that you are to blame, you are weak, you can't do anything right, etc., etc.

In this situation, a good approach is to be patient. Sit back, take a deep breath, reevaluate the situation. Know that you are not at a dead-end; just over the horizon there is a path that will lead where you most need to go.

Sometimes a dry spell is simply a challenge to maintain faith.

We need to trust that all is happening as it should even when we can't yet see results. Other times it may be that we need to loosen our grip and let go of the past -- an old habit, an outdated belief, or a strategy that doesn't serve us anymore.

Sometimes this letting go is more tangible, like ending an unsupportive relationship to set the stage for becoming the "new you."

At other times it might be that you need to let go of an unrealistic expectation about your body, your relationship, your financial condition, or your other circumstances.

In any case, there's no reason to lose hope. A dry spell is an opportunity to reevaluate your progress so you can redirect the course of your life.

Ask yourself this question: "What do I need to let go of in order to welcome in the new life I desire?"

Pay attention to what immediately comes to mind. Listen with your heart and write down the answers regardless of how strange or unexpected they may be. Then, sit with this information for a while before taking action.

Next, proceed to action with a patient heart.

When you understand that dry spells are merely speed bumps on the road to a great life, you'll begin to see them as gifts, as a reminder to slow down so you can get your bearings, reevaluate your plans, and slowly shed the old you to make way for the new.

16 Dpo, still no AF

I've been having AF like cramps since last friday. Yesterday I even wore a pad all day because I was so sure the witch was going to show but she never did. Other than that I don't feel any different. My bbs are swollen and sore but nothing out of the usual PMS soreness - only the sides next to my armpit are painful. Nipps still a bit tender. Last night I had a tummy ache but in my lower abdomen. Other than those, I've got no other symptom of anything being out of the ordinary.

I keep checking down there every hour expecting to see the usual brown CM that leads to a full fledged AF, but nothing. Sometimes it's completely dry, other times it's creamy and it also gets watery too. I swear my eyes can now differentiate between a dozen different shades of creamy CM. I noticed some slightly yellow stuff earlier though, which has turned my skepticism up two more notches.

And NO, I haven't tested yet. I promised msyelf not to waste money and I'm going to stick to that promise. I REALLY want to find out, but I don't want the dissapointment of finding out. I'm chicken like that.

I just can't believe if it's finally happening or if it will all be snatched away when AF shows. If that happens at least I can tell myself, that I wasn't too excited I went and wasted money and not feel so stupid. But if she definitely doesn't show tomorrow, I'll go out and buy a test and put myself out of my misery once and for all. (Yeah right, just like I said I would test if AF didn't show up on the 30th. Proof you can't trust a woman that's TTC, lol)

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Well, what do you know? As soon as I finished writing this I went to wee and what did I see? I just knew it was too good to be true. I pee-ed on a couple of OPK's which I had lying around and they all came back negative, I'm definitely not going to waste my money now. *sigh*

I was really hoping this would be my month. The battle continues!