Friday, 4 June 2010

Fertile Friends

My best friend just told me she's preggy. I suspect another friend is also preggy, but feeling weird about telling me. Whenever someone I know gets preggy I genuinely feel happy for them and at the same time I get a pang of sadness on the upper left side of my chest. I know these feelings are irrational. Because other people's ability to conceive is independent of mine. There is no logical correlation between their fertility and mine, but even then I still feel sad. Sad that my own longing for a baby has not yet been fulfilled.

Lately I've found myself drifting away from friends with children and they from me. Envy has nothing to do with it, rather it seems we have less and less in common as their kids are growing up. They are all full time mums whose daily lives are consumed by their children. And whenever I call them up that's all they seem to talk about. Which is weird for both of us. And whenever we get together I'm always sidelined when they get into their 'motherhood caucus'. These days we've found fewer reasons to call each other up. 

At the beginning of my fertility journey I promised myself not to dwell on things I cannot control or make a pathetic mess of myself because I can't yet have children. I vowed to stay focused, zero in on what is within my control and grasp tightly.

For instance, I cannot control my erratic hormones, but I can control my weight which helps to keep them in check. And I cannot control when I will become pregnant, but I can keep healthy, take my medications and prepare my body for when that time comes thus reducing the probabilities of having a miscarriage. I may not have total control over what my body does, but I do have 100% control over my attitude. Only my attitude can determine whether I'll be miserable or happy with myself should it turn out that I can't have any children (Yes, I've thought of that too). I should be thankful for the things that are going well for me as opposed to the thing I don't have. And I am! I have come a long way since being diagnosed in March. 

I am thankful that my body is responding to weight loss
I am thankful that my periods are regular and predictable
I am thankful that I no longer have any outwardly symptom of PCOS

It's all good really and everyday brings me closer to that elusive double line. I should get a grip. Stay focused, for whatever has been written for me is what will come to pass. 

"To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows females (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things" - Quran, 42: 49-50

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