Friday, 11 June 2010


I've been feeling under the weather lately. To be precise, since I started taking the Metformin. I don't mind the side effects of farting, and rushing off to the toilet every now and then. But this lack of energy, lack of enthusiasm and general shittiness seems to be doing me in.

I wake up tired and sleepy. No creativity. No passion. I'm a walking vegetable!

The last time I felt this was was when I was at my heaviest. Back when I was sleeping more than 15 hours a day and wolfing down carbs like my life depended on it.

I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past week. So many other things going on on the side besides PCOS. Sometimes I just want to scream loudly on top of my lungs. I wish I could squeeze my eyes shut till it hurt, and when I open them all those problems have melted away.

Wish there was someone I could talk to. My friend, K, has her own shit to deal with. There's my BF who's shit is spilling out the sides of her bowl, I won't find an empathic ear there. Can't talk to my mum 'cuz I don't want to get her bp up. Can't talk to DH either, 'cuz if I break down, that will break him down. I just feel so frustrated. Being all alone in this house doesn't help. I feel trapped.

Yes, I know it's a chemical thing. Because I was fine before I started taking the Met. Even then there's no escaping it's effects. I try to cheer myself up. Read and watch things that make me laugh. But it's temporary, and artificial.

I can be patient though; for what I want I don't mind a thousand depressions to get it. And I can see some positive signs, so I'll hang in there.

The only reason I'm hanging on is because of you,
The 'you' that is not yet born,
You'll never know what I went through,
You'll never understand when I'm harsh with my love,
For to have had you, I had to dig deep, really deep inside
To find the strength I never knew I had.

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